Thoughts

I am so afraid of repeating my mom in relationships. Every person she was with, it took her years to get over. She never got over dan, jerimahs dad. Even though she was with 1 guy before she got diagonsed with breast cancer. They say extreme emotional duress. Helps cancer, and lifestyle. I have an almost simmillar lifestle to my mom. I think emotionally, i am like her. Because like, she has said she never got over my dad. she knew him since 14 years old. Him being 21. Are me, and kelli like my dad and mom. I hope not because they split up, and i never wanna leave kelli. Even though at times i get so hurt, that i feel like i wanna die. Or i wanna bury myself in a hole and never come out.

I care about kelli, so much. I still dont understand why she picks to fall in love with me. She brings out my emotionally half. Which no one has ever done in years. The thing that scares me with kelli, is if i was to go all the way. My feeling are so deep and intense. I feel like i might smother her. I dont wanna smother her, i dont wanna push her away. Althoiugh i want her deep inside my heart. I have been fighting myself so much lately. I have to make myself accept she is here for the rest of my life. I have to make myself believe that she wont leave, I do all of this without telling her, why? Because i feel she would not like whjat i am doing. I am nearly breaking myself inside. I am killing myself mentally, right now. So i can not deal with this later. I wanna Face my Fear NOW. not 10 years from now. I have to face it now.

If i do not face it now. I might accidently end mine and her relationship out of fear. I think sometimes not on purpose. But it gets to me sometimes, she isnt loyal to you. Shes sleeping with everyguy in town. This scares me, because i am afraid for her. I feel like what iof she catches aids and hiv. Or venrial cancer. I couldnt bear to loose another person that has grown so close to my heart. I feel torn up inside a lot. I want kelli to be an independent woman. But yet i dont want her making choices that will endanger her life. If she did, i would gladly take her place, because i couldnt bear to loose her. Not the girl that brought me back to life inside. She means so much, that i cant put into words.

She has this powerful personality. And yet i am so physically attracted to her. When she was skinny and weighed nearly nothing i was attracted to her then. And i still am. Shew will never really understand the way i feel about her. Because it reaches in so deeply, so full heardly. It drives me insane, I feel like at times i have to save her, i have to rescue her. But yet then i want her to do the same to me.