| How Do i feel? Sad | [Sep. 20th, 2008|07:20 pm] |
| I ask myself how do i feel, The answer is uncertain. I feel lost and alone. In a matter of like 6 hours. I as far as i know have lost a Friend, my room mate, the possibility i will visit Austin Texas, as well as i feel utterly confused. I promised this friend i would never mention them on my blog. Because they asked me to do so. So i wont, this person is simply my friend. They have no name, or identity that anyone can tell. If this was meant as well as mentioning you i most sincerely apologize. But i need to air my mind I have to speak aloud, or i myself feel controlled by you.
I hope in this friends heart they can understand, what i mean. Why i mention this even if they are offended by being mentioned as friend or friend at all. You must understand i believe in freedom, for you and me as well as for others. Freedom to chose, freedom to express, freedom to chose our own fate. To deny me any part of freedom is like saying i want you to die! It is like saying i want you to say what i want you to say. To tell me how to breathe! By this point you know who you are. I have said everything i could say to you about what happened. As i have said if you believe I have lied about anything i have said. You obviosly think i am using you. Which makes me sad. Cause i invested so much into a friendship. Everyone i talk to tells me to walk away, and that you are either playing games. Or they think that i should stop being in self denial, as well as self protective and take a chance. Or they are tired of hearing about you. And say Ricky this person obviously wants no more to do with you. I can only say I am sorry and I know these words do not help much. For what was said. But i am truly sorry. I never assumed you were anything bad or judged as you say. I was just scared you would hurt me. Or my feelings would be hurt by you. I can only ask you my friend. Why would i waste months of a friendship with you. And i ask you to think logically. What do i have to gain by using you. I have everything to gain by our friendship. I would lose what i cherish and hold dear the most if i was using you. I know you were hurt in the past, so was I. Thats why i am so scared of being close to any friend now. I feel like i have to stay unemotional to be a friend. Otherwise if i am emotional I will loose any friends i want, or have. So i stay cold, distant and away. All i ask my friend is dont leave. Dont throw away our friendship. It means something to me. And I do not want to walk away. And please be happy my friend. Im upset that you are upset. And i can now say i am done with being unemotional about how i feel. So if you will still be my friend. I will be my true self again without fear.
Originally posted on ricky1146.vox.com |
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