What do things mean between us

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mood

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confused

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As i continually watch Alien vs preadtor over and over and over. It makes me wonder, would i be both or would i be 1 of them. I can see the soldier in me. That die hard fanatic. The one that is willing to die for the cause. The me that is willing to sacrifice everything for one goal one belief. I can see the passion of both sides. I see the pure angst of the alien, the pure animality of it.

It just wants to mame and kill. And survive as best as it can. I feel as if i am the preadtor, because i have a heart. I have a brain beyond the face of a monster. I am bound by honor, by duty, by what is right and what is wrong.

The alien in me symblosizes my purity of my hatred the reason of what i am. Its as if either i become them, or I see myself as one. I try to understand myself. This is why i do it, im not supposed to act like any of it. So i find an outlet. I find a way to outlet my anger my rage. My everything. I cannot act this way physically, if i do i would be in jail or worse. I wish she would understand it. I am opening up. If it was in person i would try my hardest to open up. Hell i am trying m,y hardest to oppen up now. And look where its getting me. She thinks its a small thing. But god cant you see kelli. cant you see. We arent in a physical room together. I would do it all in person if i could. Yes i am emotional unstable right now.

You know why, because i am forcing myself to open up to the girl i love and it hurts. Because deep down i dont want her to know the real me. Deep down i just wanna hide in my shell. Look at what i am doing kelli, i am purposely taking it all. And then it hurts when i am trying to open up. And you go on about how i need help.

Have you even thought that i am considering going back to the dr. Because it matters to you. Have you considered that i always try to do what you want. Havent you remember that I am your slave, and i have to follow orders. Sometimes i cant and i tell you. I told you, my therapist was there on the same day kelli. I really am trying, please cant you see. It hurts opening up like this because i have never done it before. Its like your taking everything i never let anyone else take. And then you brand me by it. And i never said anything about it before because. A real guy doesnt bitch and complain about it. A real guy takes the pain, a real guy acts like hes invincible. Ive always acted like i was a hard ass you know why, because if i didnt. People would destroy the part of me you love. that part of me you say is so beautiful. Why cant you see, i am trying. I am trying, give me some credit, not to much but just enough.

I wish you were reading all of this. Im really trying kelli, all those poems on poetry.com were about you. And how you made me feel. I wish you could read it all and understand. If we were in person i would do all this in person but we arent so i am forced to find other ways other means. Please why cant you see i am trying. Why cant you see