As of late the past 3 months, I have been I guess  sub consciously  been more conscious  of an  old piece of my personality so to  speak.  A piece of my personality  that I  had  remolded, or given a false narrative to.  This part of me I guess  you could call  is   a drive in my head. Call it perfectionism, workaholism, megalomania, etc.

To explain my life nut shell wise, I have always been told  there is a limit, or  you cannot or will not go beyond this point. As  I was a kid I had learned to  mock this  limit created by others, with a  completely  unbalanced  mentality  that said to myself internally.  You must prove them wrong, & you must do far more then just prove them wrong.  I always had a saying to myself that I would say to others,  I will  beat  what you think by 10x the amount originally.

To put this in perspective  lets say it was a game,  if I  was to lose a match by  an opponent. The idea was to  subtlety or forcefully by mentality, or sheer force of personality beat them.  More so at their own game.  Either intellectually or  by physical exhaustion.  If  the best runner ran 500 feet.  The answer in my head is beat them by running 5,000 feet. Another way to picture this:  That I will fight to the death & beyond the idea of death. Thus when, I say, I am a die hard. It’s because I will not negotiate my standings in anyway. I want pure  compulsion, or submission. (Some call this a psychological warfare game)

As a preteen & teen this got me into trouble.  One because I was obstinate as hell to my grandpa I resisted every inch & fought mentality tooth & nail against what I felt was his willpower vs mine. The point is its a battle of wills  in which I will conquer.

In  from 1st to 6th grade I was teased a lot due to cerebral palsy a handicap I have, that only effects my right hand.  By 6th grade, I  was literally getting into physical fights. Which the mentality then was  if  I go down, I will bring them  with me. The thinking is if I got pushed to the ground, I would latch on physically & hold them down. Needless to say I got  a lot of lunch letters. However no  suspensions.

7th grade to 12th grade, I became  from outcast to the prep/popular  kid. Thus I grew comfy with my position. When, I feel comfy, I become  a prankster  or a person that does 1 joke after another.

To go back and explain another  sub-facet of my  complex personality. My  main goal in life up to 10th grade was to become President of the United States. After 10th grade this idea was pushed back to 2nd & 3rd burner. Since I became a tech guy.

To fast forward besides my experimenting around in life. Which included 2 serious relationships, one with a girl that I grew up with  whom which I felt I was gonna marry at 18. Then the fact she was a gal that was  abused in all the wrong ways when  she was younger. It thus created  an unstable relationship. As well as having my bull headed personality of sticking to her  ever changing mood.

 

The other was  a serious relationship after I felt I learned my lesson of give  space, &  live in the moment in which everyone will adore you for.  This relationship floundered, not because of my end. But because I refused to be a controlling person, in the sense. That she also had a inverted view of a relationship. Which was about me having control, when I wanted  the least amount of control.

The past 2 years,  what I feel is  an old friend of my mind has returned.  Apart of this  returned  when  I became a freemason, the other part  for definite returned when  work became steady. I had a renewed drive  to as I saw fit  conquer every person I saw (The reason why I  talk in a war language  goes back to the fact what I grew up with. Which was Simcity, Command & Conquer,  Strategy games, Chess & a lot of war movies  Aliens 2 etc.) Thus my terminology comes from my childhood view of  fight to win.

I know it all may seem harsh, or  coming from someone that sounds  detached from reality. But  this is  a core fiber to why I go in any direction  I go in.  In a work philosophy, I have  a  mentality as of late  that I view everyone I meet as a potential client.  Do I throw it on them, or push a product, No. I feel  pushing a product is the most  alienating  way to show someone your that you (I) are the most inconsiderate jackass.  As also the way to create distance between you & people.

Thus I have   the mentality to  infiltrate, to  go everywhere  I can be.  In  other terms, I have a running joke that I will take over my town. That I will take over  1 street, then the next then the next.  That it will become apart of my empire. (yes delusions of grandeur.) After the city, the county, after county, the state of Michigan, and of course beyond.

This of course manifests itself in my sense of client support, I consider myself the most  aggressive, & competitive person in my town.  I mask this however in  a mask. To the world,  I feel personally it  alienates people.  I will do anything I must do to cut the deal as long as I know it will yield a future gain.

From the 3rd point of view this can be either  cute, infatuating, or makes me sound outright insane. For me, its because I believe that  there is gains on both ends of the table.

As of the 3 months I have found this drive  coming up in my language more & more. To an extent I feel I have allowed myself to be taken over by myself.  I feel, I must create  a pillar of stability.  In essence  a metaphorical lighthouse.

At the present moment I have 3 things that spur my drive.

One of these  is  involving a client of mine. Which I will give  a narrative for due to it’s sensitivity.   I feel  that this client needs  a form of guidance.  It is that, or  this client needs to be found  in order to be in turn handed over to the powers that be. Which I consider  to be the pillars of life (life’s lessons itself)

Two things come from this area. One is that I must chastise this client for getting off track (I  also was off track once for a period of 2-3 years)  The other is  I must be as helpful as I can to the client, but  as merciless, hostile,  &  take the stance of take no prisoners and to get  the hell out of my way.  Unless you want to be devastated in some form or another.  Which in this  ultimatum I say assist or be become forgotten.

The other is   a war like drive to  have everyone be my client.  Which I cover with the mask,  of a friendly  fumbling bafoon. Since I figure I shall give the illusion  to people to believe how could this nobody take over the world. Hes an idiot!

The third is I will not allow myself to consider a family until I can support them, & beyond them. As unrealistic as it may sound.

In many ways I think George W Bush  is this.  That he in indirect ways always sought the presidency, but he acted  like an idiot to destabilize the other side.  To militarily throw off balance those that opposed him.

Or you could say this  is how I would  pursue the path.  The question is  in this  somewhat megalomaniacal mentality. Am I the good guy? Or am I the bad guy? I do hold myself internally  to a extreme list of requirements. One of these  is the fact, I refuse to ever lie. I  will lie only in the instance to save a life,  if it is for other gains I cannot tell a lie.

I also have  a mentality that I must put myself through things mentally that  no one else would. Such as  abstaining from  questionable behavior. I feel, I cannot spoil myself. I will not give myself praise. Most those that know me,  will hear me say I do not like the spotlight, I hate titles, I  have the dullest life. Or that I  have the road of total solitude.  Which  for the most part  I keep myself  single.  I feel I cannot  be distracted from the plan,  as I also tell myself I cannot  settle  until  I have my empire. Then,  when I feel comfortable, I shall settle & relax. This timeframe also  goes till 35-40 years old.

As for whatever happens next  who knows.  I felt  inspired to write, as if this was my memoirs at 28 years old.  I don’t expect the worst, I just feel I will discourage myself to talk about it later.

Finally I forgot to mention another  point of refrence in my raising. I grew up with the movie Dune. In short it’s about a boy born of nobility  which his family was slaughtered  by a rival family. In turn to become the leader of  a suppressed people.  To in the end avenge  his family. He brings the fight to the rival family. Then becomes Emperor of the known universe.

Sound familiar? Perhaps? Only Time will tell. You could also watch  the 2 trailers, & quotes.

The sleeper must awaken.

Dune 1984 Trailer

Dune 2000 Trailer

Children of Dune

Quotes

 

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