As of late the past 3 months, I have been I guess sub consciously been more conscious of an old piece of my personality so to speak. A piece of my personality that I had remolded, or given a false narrative to. This part of me I guess you could call is a drive in my head. Call it perfectionism, workaholism, megalomania, etc.
To explain my life nut shell wise, I have always been told there is a limit, or you cannot or will not go beyond this point. As I was a kid I had learned to mock this limit created by others, with a completely unbalanced mentality that said to myself internally. You must prove them wrong, & you must do far more then just prove them wrong. I always had a saying to myself that I would say to others, I will beat what you think by 10x the amount originally.
To put this in perspective lets say it was a game, if I was to lose a match by an opponent. The idea was to subtlety or forcefully by mentality, or sheer force of personality beat them. More so at their own game. Either intellectually or by physical exhaustion. If the best runner ran 500 feet. The answer in my head is beat them by running 5,000 feet. Another way to picture this: That I will fight to the death & beyond the idea of death. Thus when, I say, I am a die hard. It’s because I will not negotiate my standings in anyway. I want pure compulsion, or submission. (Some call this a psychological warfare game)
As a preteen & teen this got me into trouble. One because I was obstinate as hell to my grandpa I resisted every inch & fought mentality tooth & nail against what I felt was his willpower vs mine. The point is its a battle of wills in which I will conquer.
In from 1st to 6th grade I was teased a lot due to cerebral palsy a handicap I have, that only effects my right hand. By 6th grade, I was literally getting into physical fights. Which the mentality then was if I go down, I will bring them with me. The thinking is if I got pushed to the ground, I would latch on physically & hold them down. Needless to say I got a lot of lunch letters. However no suspensions.
7th grade to 12th grade, I became from outcast to the prep/popular kid. Thus I grew comfy with my position. When, I feel comfy, I become a prankster or a person that does 1 joke after another.
To go back and explain another sub-facet of my complex personality. My main goal in life up to 10th grade was to become President of the United States. After 10th grade this idea was pushed back to 2nd & 3rd burner. Since I became a tech guy.
To fast forward besides my experimenting around in life. Which included 2 serious relationships, one with a girl that I grew up with whom which I felt I was gonna marry at 18. Then the fact she was a gal that was abused in all the wrong ways when she was younger. It thus created an unstable relationship. As well as having my bull headed personality of sticking to her ever changing mood.
The other was a serious relationship after I felt I learned my lesson of give space, & live in the moment in which everyone will adore you for. This relationship floundered, not because of my end. But because I refused to be a controlling person, in the sense. That she also had a inverted view of a relationship. Which was about me having control, when I wanted the least amount of control.
The past 2 years, what I feel is an old friend of my mind has returned. Apart of this returned when I became a freemason, the other part for definite returned when work became steady. I had a renewed drive to as I saw fit conquer every person I saw (The reason why I talk in a war language goes back to the fact what I grew up with. Which was Simcity, Command & Conquer, Strategy games, Chess & a lot of war movies Aliens 2 etc.) Thus my terminology comes from my childhood view of fight to win.
I know it all may seem harsh, or coming from someone that sounds detached from reality. But this is a core fiber to why I go in any direction I go in. In a work philosophy, I have a mentality as of late that I view everyone I meet as a potential client. Do I throw it on them, or push a product, No. I feel pushing a product is the most alienating way to show someone your that you (I) are the most inconsiderate jackass. As also the way to create distance between you & people.
Thus I have the mentality to infiltrate, to go everywhere I can be. In other terms, I have a running joke that I will take over my town. That I will take over 1 street, then the next then the next. That it will become apart of my empire. (yes delusions of grandeur.) After the city, the county, after county, the state of Michigan, and of course beyond.
This of course manifests itself in my sense of client support, I consider myself the most aggressive, & competitive person in my town. I mask this however in a mask. To the world, I feel personally it alienates people. I will do anything I must do to cut the deal as long as I know it will yield a future gain.
From the 3rd point of view this can be either cute, infatuating, or makes me sound outright insane. For me, its because I believe that there is gains on both ends of the table.
As of the 3 months I have found this drive coming up in my language more & more. To an extent I feel I have allowed myself to be taken over by myself. I feel, I must create a pillar of stability. In essence a metaphorical lighthouse.
At the present moment I have 3 things that spur my drive.
One of these is involving a client of mine. Which I will give a narrative for due to it’s sensitivity. I feel that this client needs a form of guidance. It is that, or this client needs to be found in order to be in turn handed over to the powers that be. Which I consider to be the pillars of life (life’s lessons itself)
Two things come from this area. One is that I must chastise this client for getting off track (I also was off track once for a period of 2-3 years) The other is I must be as helpful as I can to the client, but as merciless, hostile, & take the stance of take no prisoners and to get the hell out of my way. Unless you want to be devastated in some form or another. Which in this ultimatum I say assist or be become forgotten.
The other is a war like drive to have everyone be my client. Which I cover with the mask, of a friendly fumbling bafoon. Since I figure I shall give the illusion to people to believe how could this nobody take over the world. Hes an idiot!
The third is I will not allow myself to consider a family until I can support them, & beyond them. As unrealistic as it may sound.
In many ways I think George W Bush is this. That he in indirect ways always sought the presidency, but he acted like an idiot to destabilize the other side. To militarily throw off balance those that opposed him.
Or you could say this is how I would pursue the path. The question is in this somewhat megalomaniacal mentality. Am I the good guy? Or am I the bad guy? I do hold myself internally to a extreme list of requirements. One of these is the fact, I refuse to ever lie. I will lie only in the instance to save a life, if it is for other gains I cannot tell a lie.
I also have a mentality that I must put myself through things mentally that no one else would. Such as abstaining from questionable behavior. I feel, I cannot spoil myself. I will not give myself praise. Most those that know me, will hear me say I do not like the spotlight, I hate titles, I have the dullest life. Or that I have the road of total solitude. Which for the most part I keep myself single. I feel I cannot be distracted from the plan, as I also tell myself I cannot settle until I have my empire. Then, when I feel comfortable, I shall settle & relax. This timeframe also goes till 35-40 years old.
As for whatever happens next who knows. I felt inspired to write, as if this was my memoirs at 28 years old. I don’t expect the worst, I just feel I will discourage myself to talk about it later.
Finally I forgot to mention another point of refrence in my raising. I grew up with the movie Dune. In short it’s about a boy born of nobility which his family was slaughtered by a rival family. In turn to become the leader of a suppressed people. To in the end avenge his family. He brings the fight to the rival family. Then becomes Emperor of the known universe.
Sound familiar? Perhaps? Only Time will tell. You could also watch the 2 trailers, & quotes.
The sleeper must awaken.
Dune 1984 Trailer
Dune 2000 Trailer
Children of Dune