Hell

October 4, 2008
October 5, 2008
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Hell [Oct. 5th, 2008|11:59 pm]
 

Hell

Well, my life has been just dandy.  Its been so dandy, that i personally never wish to return to michigan. Im tired of everything that is Michigan except my ex fiance, and her mom. Who i got to talk to today,  Hell, i even have to delete the notification so my grandma doesnt read this blog post. Because after a week, I must write a personal entry.  I cant be so fake and happy  as i always appear to her. And i would think she would be quite upset by what i say in this post.

I know in my head i have just destroyed a decent friendship that could have gone somewhere oneday because i am insecure, and maybe just a whore? Not the person, I mean me.  I have been with 10 people in my life, 6 of them were after i left my best friend mindy. I was so upset i used sex as a tool to forget. Why? Cause MC, andclose friends said just bang another girl you will forget.  The best cure is another girl. And how empty and shallow those words are.  2 days ago  it was Laceys birthday, i silently thought about how that now turned 4 year old is.  Just as much as i thought how old chloe is now. Nearly 2 years old.

And my guilt for  not rescuing my best friend and girlfriend that cheated on me 5 times. Is truly endless i keep thinking how greedy i was to leave those girls to suffer. All cause i couldnt be braver.

I think this might be my last blog post. Since Krystal wont be reading anymore.  There aint no point, i screwed it up beyond measure. And just like mindy, i wanna run away. I wanna forget it even happened. Just like i forgot what happened emotionally between me and kelli. You see, in reality i just pinched her throat. But to my mind it was pracatcally murdering my best friend. Kelli has forgiven me of this long ago. But i still feel guilty.

I just feel depressed more beyond means. i wonder when i will screw up my friendship with mc? Or how i will. Hell look at me im just about 23 years old. I have no one that likes me. No one will talk to me, the gal i liked is now gone, because of my fucking mouth.  I am back to being alone, desperatley alone. Sometimes i honestly do think suicide. Will anyone notice? I know kelli would cry horribly, and so would joanne. But would anyone else? No one cares,

I remember once i put a pill bottle  so everyone could see. No one even asked me why it was there right beside me. I was 18. I took 40 asprins, and the next day i was in utter pain.  No one knew until months later when i told kelli in an email. By asking her isnt it good enough when someone will die for you i asked her? Does that prove i care? That is what i asked.

Will i commit suicide. No, i wont go there. But i still feel it, the sorrow, not feeling like anyone wants me. I think it will be with me my whole life. I will never truly feel loved, or at peace. I will always feel inadquate alone, and  wish i grew up in a different world. A world that was so different.  I think sometimes i dont belong here.

So in the news, i ended a friendship because i actually like the person. Doesnt that make sense? Which means i have no one to confide in or talk to. I have no more hopes or plans for any gal anymore. Ive given up. Then my grandma doesnt want me to move to Austin now. So i guess i will one day see this person named krystal. And watch her either kick me in the balls or slap me.  And hell myself personally i just want to die. But i cant so i guess i will forever live an unhappy life.

I just wish there was some hope for life but thier truly isnt. This blog began,  41 posts ago. And now it is laid to rest 41 posts later. Sorry krystal it aint in me to continue  it anymore.

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