|Life||[Mar. 28th, 2005|01:22 pm]|
You ever get the feeling, you were ever like a caged animal. And you know it all. You know how to escape, you know how to win to conquer to dominate. To defeat and become somewhat a god. Its funny you live life, The begining of life, you have half a brain, and you have the CAT scans to show it. Doctors say you will be a vegtable. That you will never do what everyone else can. Humm i must not be able to type or write this either.
Looks like someone was wrong, Only one person believed in you when you were a child. No not mother, I was the cause of the breakup of my parents. My grandma fought when i couldnt, all for a very big possible loosing cause. Its strange, your dad tries drowning you when your only a year old. Then gets a butcher knife and cuts your mom up. Whats he get, just probation. No jail time just probation.
So your grandma raises you, she tells you whats right whats wrong. She makes you submissive. She plays the domitive role. She males you believe that you should be the slave in a relationship. She says do everything for the girl. Please her everything, She also raises you to never say what you feel. She says if you say what you feel, or do what you feel. You will get in trouble, She says you have to have common sense. You have to be logical unemotional. It is how you win, and how you are right everytime.
Then you go to school, and before it your told how smart you are, how special you are. Guess what when they see you first day of school. They look at you like your an out cast. They laugh at how you cant ride a bike, cant tie your shoes. Cant do normal things, cant walk like everyone else. Cant be in the in crowd like everyone else. For 7 years. Your beat up, teased. Himiluated at both school and home. At school your called retarted, and laughed at. Yet you read everything your interested in. You become what they are not, smart. Darwin said. Its survival of the fittest. Only the strong survive. I have been this all my life. I have been tired of fighting, i am sick of it. 19 years feeling like i am constantly at war. With either everyone or myself. Always on constant guard ready for the next attack. Even at home.
For 18 and a half years. Your bitched at by your grandpa for everything. Dirty glass lame it on Ricky, something left out blame it on ricky. There a problem within the household blame it all on guess who Ricky. You stand up for yourself, your called an idiot. a dumbass, stupid. lazy, a son of a bitch, a gluten, greedy. Its all you. Your never safe anywhere. You stand up more when you get older. Then your pushed down the stairs. Thrown against a wall, and punched in the face. You are the underdog.
18 love interests in your life. Most of them crushes, Most of them failed attempts. Only the number 11 and up really matter. There are mostly failed because every girl tells you how your igly, and who would ever wanna be with something like you. When you opened up your heart your played, so you learn to play your own game. You make people waste your time on you. You tell them if you want me go read this or that or this. You do this from 5th grade and up. And then you meet a girl. A girl after you were dead inside. After you gave up on life. she says we all aint like that. Which reminds you of how you said, to yourself every girl before number 16 was trustworhty. Every girl after 16 should either not be trusted or wants to hurt you. The girl was before 16. If she was not, i would have never allowed her inside. I would have pressured for sex, or wanted something. Because thats what i had become after the 16th girl. But i felt myself being reminded of what i once was. What i used to be before the cold dead feeling. I talk to 30-50 year olds for 2 weeks debating with them. Should, i take the risk, should i open up. My every part of me inside yurned for it. I do it the 2-4 days ends in constant fights. I kept pushing, me towards her, or so i felt like it.
I then opem up, after what feels like foolishness, i open up after she sleeps with everyone but me. Sometimes i feel like why not me. Even though i have said no. I keep thinking whats wrong with me, is there something wrong with me. Or am i just being played again. As i open up its extremely painful. Painful because i am on purpose showing her every reason why not to be with me i tell her to leave everyday. It gets more painful as it goes on. I do it because i have a small hope of just maybe. I even hatemyself for showing her, everything i hate within me. It makes me hate me more. Then she tells me to get over it, and i do. I tell myself i am worth something. And for once in a long while i let someone conquer me. I doso out of trust, because as a friend i trust her completely.
Then she says how i need help, and how i need medication. Which hurts on so many levels, it hurts because it feels like she wants to control me, or have me be something i am not. It hurts because for once i am really being me with someone and she are telling me to get help. Which at the moment makes me feel like this is why i never open up. It really makes me wanna just say you know what Goodbye, or wanna say hey guess what i aint opening up anymore boo hoo cry about it. I do understand that she doesnt wanna see me in a wheelchair i do understand she wants whats best for me. And i honestly thank her for feeling that way. In a lot of ways it makes me feel happy, but at the same time it makes me feel like she doesnt want me to be me.
Its hard sometimes living my life, my grandma doesnt understand how did i survive everything and come out and beat everything. With hardly any scratches on me. No one understands me, and yet when i try to explain myself to everyone. They either wonder how the hell does that make sense. Or i am told your wrong, your always wrong.
Then, i start to have differences from my grandma. Me and her argue about relationships. I believe in order to date. You cant be with anyone but one person at a time or it is cheating. She says sleep with as many girls as you want have multiple girlfriends. Me in my feeling of morality, i say that is wrong. And i end the conversation. The next fight, she goes on about how i am destroying my life by doing everything for a girl that does nothing for me. She says she has you wrapped around her finger, and shes right. I am wrapped around the finger, she calls her a bitch. And i say what right do you have to be so un moral. My world has become, about my morality. Right and wrong seems to be an obbsseion i cant control. I am obbssed with doing the right thing, no matter the cost. Even if the cost is my life. She thinks she is the only obbsseion. When she is a lesser obbession. Its not that she is not important. Its that i have to do what is the right, the good thing for everyone because i believe i have to do good. I feel it is my only way to say i want to remain out of heaven and hell. That i dont mind wandering the world.
I only was trying to explain to her how i felt, about life or things i would do if it was me. And or the fact i want to feel needed and belong. Sometimes i wish i could save the girl in the alley. But the twist is, i dont want nothing in return. I feel like if i am tempted i will want more and more and become like all those other asshole guys. I feel like i will give into the same wants the same feelings that the worst guys will have. And in the process the girl i care about so much will hate me. Because i feel like i would be corrupted by it. I just wish someone would understand.