Things

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mood

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tired

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You know you look at life, it seems so puzzling. There is a lot of pressures i face, and a lot of things i have to beat. I have to not become my parents or any relitive that i know, but yet. I fear in my drive to seperate from them. I am becoming them. And i believe i am scaring the one person i want to be closer. To run away, or just reject me.I do the things i have to do, they are not easy choices. A lot of them will haunt me later. I just want to get my life started. I wanna declare my independence, if i could move out now i would do it. I want my 20-30 dollar an hour job now. So i can do it all, I am fighting so hard right now trying to make sure i dont have to fight later. I want the last 30-50 years of my life to be peaceful. Raising a family if i can, I dont wanna fight or argue infront of kids. I will take a defeat everytime in order to keep my kids from seeing the destructive behavior of an arguement. I just wanna be able to protect them. I dont wanna be too protective, because they have to live life, they have to figure things out. Just like i did, granted i want it to be easier for them Maybe i am a spoil parent i dunno.

The things i do today have huge momentary consequences, I keep digging myself further into debt, I halfway do it in the hopes. That that job will come. I look through 4-5 newspapers a day, and 4 internet job sites. I have done this for the past 3 months. I am being so frantic about it. I know the pay off will be so large in the end. All the jobs are in detroit, and halfway across michigan. Monroe has shit, it has 1 job. 1. Nothing else. Dundee has 1 job. Nothing else. I have applied for 13 or so jobs already so far no one has replied about my resume. I occassionally get these emails, i get excited thinking just maybe. But then they say hey we found yor resume join us we will get you a job. So i do, and nope no jobs. I have joined like 7 small sites all promising tme to get me a job. So far nothing, i search everyday. I should get 250 business cards in the mail. So hopefully i can mail them out. to businesses and charge an houry rate.

I am guarenteed a job in boulder colorado, but i am hesitant to do so because i dont wanna leave the girl i care so much about behind. I know if i was to leave the state i would feel like or i think she would think i am leaving her and she would find someone else. I really wanna be with her even though i am pretty much her boyfriend already. I cant stand to loose her, and i feel like i am loosing her. Because all we do is argue, and i really dont wanna fight. Im just trying to say and tell her everything. If she was here now i just would want her to touch my arm, or look into my eyes. There doesnt need to be words. Just me guiding her hand, across every weak part of my body, I want to do it because i trust her, and this is a way i feel i could explain my handicap without the use of words. I just want her to feel the body, that i live with everyday, i know its scary to look at or distigusting. But, there is an innocence, a beauty a fragileness to it.

She doesnt realize it, because she thinks im to prideful, But i have reconsider a few days ago either getting botox shots again. Or wearing a brace. Why? 2 reasons, Her, and because i am starting to see and feel my body change. And i dont like where its headed. Its as if half my body is dying. I feel pain in my leg and foot nonstop for days now. Even when i am not walking i feel it. This is making me reconsider my thoughts. she doesnt realize it, because she keeps saying i need help.

She wont let me get to what i keeptrying to say, I know i beat around the bush, but god. Its hard for me, ive never been in a relationship i have been in with her. Ive never expierenced it Its frightening to me, because I can not express how i feel so i find ways to express it. And i thought me relating shows to her, was ok. I thought it was progress, And it was calming me. I was getting more comfortable as time went on. I was slowly unfolding like a flower but yet when i wanted to tell her everything yesterday. What do i get You need help, your unstable, your this.

I admit im unstable i agree, but im trying i wish she would see i am trying. I never done this stuff with anyone before. Its like im still a virgin in so many ways. and she is taking that virginity of mine. Sometimes i give it willingly away. Othertimes she hurtfully takes it away. This whole time has been extremely painful ever since i re met her, at times i have wanted to just die. But im to afraid to do it, because i cant kill myself im to scared too.

I love her so dearly and i dont want her o disappear from my life. I wisher she could see, i am doing all of this now so i dont have to do it later. I wanna get it done and over with. Then live out the rest of my life maybe with her. She holds the highest spot where no one else has been. And yet she doesnt realize it at all.